Utah has some problems. Weird problems. Take my neighbor, for example. He's moved 14 times in his life and has never left this general neighborhood. He thinks that this is the best place to live. He should know. He's seen so much of the world...
"But wait!", you say. That happens anywhere. Well, you're right if you think that. But it gets more odd. When I was 32, I moved to Utah. The most common questions I got were "where did you go to high school?" and "what year did you graduate?" At first, I thought it was a joke. But it came from all kinds of people, of all ages. Who seriously cares where you went to high school after graduation? When I left high school many moons past, I LEFT HIGH SCHOOL in the past and moved on with my life. Utah doesn't seem to be able to make this transition. Utah is like Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite. Or Utah is who Bruce Springsteen was really talking about when he wrote "Glory Days". I don't get it, and I never will.
You thought I was done. Not even close! Consider that some people in Utah feel that part of raising a family is to "get them married". I know people - some close to me - that think it's their job to get their kids married. Hey, your job is to be a parent, not to "get them married". What if we let people marry when they're ready, rather than when the parent thinks they're ready? Novel idea, I know. Too many people are in love with the idea of getting married, and not with the person they're marrying. I'm just saying that it's possible that family/peer/cultural pressure to get married pushed them to marry when they weren't emotionally ready for it. Yep, welcome to Utah.
Speaking of marriage...dating usually comes before marriage. With a state so marriage happy, why do the young adults collectively suck at dating so bad? You'd think if you were really trying to get married, you'd try to do a better job of dating, but few do. So I got set up on this date one time, and the girl wanted to know if I a was "fit", because she wanted only to go out with someone fit. Imagine my surprise when we met up that she outweighed me EASILY. I weigh 225. Do I really have to say more about this story?
But I'm not done with the dating in Utah. I could go all day, but I will just share this - a date is just a date, especially a first date. I hate going on a date and having someone "interview" me for husband material. I don't need you asking me what my income is. I don't need you asking what sins I've committed in the past. I don't need someone asking me how many kids I want, or if I even like kids. I don't need anyone asking me where I plan on living in 5 or 10 years. I JUST WANT A FIRST DATE. I may not even like you after the first date. Why did this never happen in Texas? In Texas, you ask someone on a date, and both parties know it's a date. End of story.
And Utah has food problems. I'll name three:
1. There is not good BBQ in Utah
2. There is not good Mexican food in Utah
3. What is with the jello fascination? I served a mission in Utah, and I got the weirdest combinations of jello and fruits/veggies. Lime jello with celery - yep, I've had it. Orange jello with sour cream - yep, that one too. But the worst has to be the time (and there were several of these, but this is the first) that I was served jello with 1/2" of whip cream on top. "Sweetness!", I thought. So I took a piece about 4"X4", plopped it on my plate. "Red jello and whip cream. A classic!" I was still pretty hungry, so I took my fork, sliced a corner off and placed the perfect combo in my mouth...and almost gagged. The family had put MAYO on the frickin' jello. One-half inch of mayo. No whip cream. Nothing sweet. Mayo-frickin'-naise. I almost gagged as I blew the jello across my plate and on to part of the table. Who puts mayo on jello? Well, about one in ten Utah families. DON'T be that family.
I do like a couple of things about Utah. It has 4 seasons. It has some of the best outdoor recreation there is. It has a few normal people - emphasis on "few", and it has BYU - my favorite college. So it does have some things that keep me here. It's not all bad, but really - there is something wrong with Utah, and it's not going to get better any time soon....
